London - Texture

This is the epitome of ‘up-itself’.  Texture was apparently set up and is run by the chef and sommelier from the Manoir Quatre Saison – what did Raymond Blanc teach these boys?

Visiting shortly after Texture opened in October 2007, the loos were accessed through a building site, which probably explained the odd farmyard / construction site smell when entering this over-contrived venue.

The walls are adorned with frieze type panelling, like an ornate wedding cake. The seating is simple, trendy, but trying too hard, and that’s just the champagne bar.  The main restaurant seating is extraordinary, rather like a miniature ballroom, with haphazard tables placed randomly to fill as much space as possible.

As a new restaurant, it’s quite popular as presumably curious diners try it out, although if our experience is the norm, the future may not bode well for repeat business. Despite the attempt at glamorous surroundings, few of the diners had made any effort to dress up, having seemingly come straight from the office in their nylon pin stripes. 

Apparently the chef comes from Iceland. I’m still not entirely sure as to whether that refers to the country or the downmarket frozen food store. This probably accounted for the deep fried fish skin with dips placed on our table when we arrived. Perhaps the aforementioned store had used the innards to make fish fingers?

We considered the a la carte menu and wine list. A decent bottle of wine was around £50+ with the ‘Hedge Fund’ special being the 1990 Latour at £1800.

Stupidly we ordered the tasting menu with accompanying wines.  We received about five courses, none of them spectacular, all presented beautifully, but all an extraordinary mix of foods.

Artichoke covered in frothy goo with tea, which had to be knocked back first, like a shot of vodka, and a parmesan cracker.

Pigeon with sweetcorn, popcorn and bacon bits – the type of bacon bits fashionable in cheap restaurant salads in the 80’s.

A piece of Icelandic cod presented on what looked alarmingly like a ‘skid marked’ plate.

A piece of 12 hour cooked belly pork (most of which was fat) and squid.

The pudding of mixed fruits was rather pleasant, until the camel’s companion bit into a shallot – yuck!

Texture seems to be an attempt to emulate the far more successful Heston’s ‘off the wall’ combination cuisine. The food may well have been about Texture, but it wasn’t about taste.  The accompanying wines were fine but at £45 each, very overpriced.

We looked across at the array of petit fours on a neighbouring table, and awaited their arrival, together with a choice of tea or coffee. The display did look as if an art student from the Tate Modern had been moonlighting - great presentation, but nothing individually looked enticing enough to sample. However, we were still hungry and intrigued.

When these failed to materialise, I enquired as to their whereabouts.

The restaurant manager explained that we had experienced tremendous value having only been charged £59 for this gourmet banquet. (Gordon Ramsay and other establishments would charge £75 or £85.)

“Yes, but they are in a different league,” I was tempted to retort.

“Tea and coffee is extra,” he continued.

We settled the £250 bill (for two) and bade 'adieu.' Certainly no ‘au revoir.’

 
Texture
34 Portman Square
London W1

020 7224 0028